The following is a transcript of the "Chat with Dr. Cantrell" from June 24, 2009. Links to additional resources and information from the chat transcript are included to the right.
dr._cantrell
Hello everyone.
Joan
Good evening, Dr. Cantrell.
stregademare
good evening doctor
dr._cantrell
Hello how is everyone?
Joan
A little warm, but well. How are you?
dr._cantrell
Good, I am in Colorado.
stregademare
Very well thank you.
Joan
Wonderful!
Joan
My friend lives in Denver.
dr._cantrell
This is a beautiful state.
Joan
Are you there a long time?
Joan
Work or holiday?
dr._cantrell
Well I have been traveling around the country with my 89 year old mother and my books.
Joan
Oh my! God love your mother!
stregademare
Sounds like quite an adventure.
dr._cantrell
I go on the Run for the Wall for the past four years with all the veterans on their bikes to DC to the Wall.
Joan
Very moving.
Joan
Streg, would you like to tell us a little about your marine?
stregademare
Hes not a marine yet he goes to bootcamp on monday but I am very interested in this topic and if it can pertain to bootcamp.
dr._cantrell
You must be very proud of your son.
stregademare
I am thank you so much.
dr._cantrell
Please ask me any questions you may have.
stregademare
Joan would you like to go first?
Joan
I am pretty good right now...please go ahead.
Joan
If you have no specific questions, I have some general ones.
stregademare
I think i might be general also lol
dr._cantrell
Just go ahead and ask.
stregademare
My son has lived a sheltered life can he suffer emotional damage from bootcamp.
dr._cantrell
First of all lets look at this entire process. Going into the Military is a very noble and honorable calling.
dr._cantrell
Our Marines don't think about whether or not they will be changed by their experience, because they see it as their duty, their honor and it is truly quiet powerful.
dr._cantrell
Your son will be a different person by they time he graduates from Boot Camp. He will grow up into a Marine.
dr._cantrell
When we look at how our troops will be affected, we know that they are going to affected, but we do not know the degree to which they will be affected.
dr._cantrell
It is best to learn as much as you can as a loved one, so you are not so shocked when you see these changes.
dr._cantrell
They are all different and respond differently to situations they are exposed to. We must also look at the positive side of their experiences and how they have grown emotionally.
Texasdad_Mom
How do you recommend learning about what they've gone through if they are unwilling to talk about it?
dr._cantrell
Some of the things you may see are a sense of being detached from the family, and it is sometimes difficult for them to come home from their deployments and feel like they fit in as they did before. Everyone is different and so are they.
dr._cantrell
It is common for them not to talk about their experiences. You may hear "you weren't there you would not understand" "Nevermind you will never get it". etc.
dr._cantrell
The best thing to do is to come to chats like this, and speak with other loved ones, or even other Marines who are willing to talk to you.
stregademare
Thank you doctor but there are people here with more pressing issues my prayers and best wishes to you all.
dr._cantrell
Read my books that are on the website, they have some vital information that will be able to help.
Joan
Those are the very words our son told one of his closesst friends.
Joan
Your books belong on the required reading list for every military family.
Joan
His friend assked him why he never spoke about "over there".
dr._cantrell
Thank you I hope that they will be on more of these lists.
Texasdad_Mom
Even before our son left for deployment, we noticed him pulling away not only from us, but from his best non-military friends. Is this common, and do you eventually get that closeness back?
dr._cantrell
They often do not about their experiences, some just keep it to themselves.
dr._cantrell
Yes, this is common he is already pulling away so it does not hurt so bad and they are assimilating into their new family The Marines.
dr._cantrell
They often times do not return to connect to their civilian countre parts as people wish they would. This is due to a lack of common experiences.
Texasdad_Mom
Before they come home after deployment, does the military do some sort of PTSD awareness classes? I remember my Dad telling me that when he came back after the Korean War, he was on the ship for several weeks which gave him time to unwind.
dr._cantrell
Yes, some of the military do have classes of which I have done many workshops around the country with all branches of service except the Marines. This is what I do, I am called by the Army, Air Force, Navy to conduct my interactive workshops with their troops, leaders and family members.
dr._cantrell
Yes, these ship trips were very important in debriefing and allowing them an opportunity to speak and share with their comrades.
Texasdad_Mom
Do you foresee the Marines adding this type of workshop? Hopefully, there is more awareness than there used to be, and our Marines would benefit for this.
dr._cantrell
I certainly hope so. I know when I was in Okinawa and Japan with the Air Force the Marines in Iwakuni heard I was there and wanted me to come to see their Marines, but my schedule was too booked to go to their location.
dr._cantrell
I am waiting for them to plan ahead and invite me to specifically come to work with their Marines, and each location has some kind of program they offer.
Texasdad_Mom
In your books, do you cover how to encourage our Marines to talk about their experiences, or is it better to just let them share when and what they want to?
dr._cantrell
I think each person is different. Some will want to talk and probably not to a close family person, and some will just let it go until the timing is right. I think it is really best not to ask them questions, but to let them know that you are there for them at any time.
dr._cantrell
If you ask questions you may push them into a corner, and they go further underground with the issues they are facing. It is best just to be there to support them, but also be very aware of warning signs of more complicated issues.
dr._cantrell
If you see that your Marine is drinking a lot, and getting more dispondent, depressed and detached, then it is time to call in the reinforcements.
dr._cantrell
This may be the time to get another Marine on board, or a veteran friends, a chaplain, etc. You must know your Marine and what is needed.
Texasdad_Mom
Define drinking "a lot' for a Marine, please.
dr._cantrell
Well you know your Marine's regular habits, and it is normal for them to come home and want to blow off some steam with their buddies, but if it getting to be a regular occurance, and there are other things that are being involved such as bursts of anger, DUIs, domestic violence, isolation etc. This is a sign there are some more serious issues.
Texasdad_Mom
Do you have any advice for how parents can remain sane during deployment? I realize my son needs me to be positive and upbeat when I correspond, but it's difficult when I'm really worrying like crazy. I'm blessed to have a supportive husband and group of prayer warrior friends.
dr._cantrell
Your husband and your prayer warriors, as well as attending chats on this website are ways for you to redirect your worry, and not burden your Marine. They know you are worried, but if you let them know this, it could take them emotionally away from their own focus and compromise their well-being
Texasdad_Mom
Are your books available in most bookstores, or do we need to order them online?
dr._cantrell
It is very important that we not allow our feelings to spill over into the lives of our Marines. They must stay mission focused and not have the extra weight of worrying about the sitaution at home.
dr._cantrell
They are available on Marine Parents Website, my website too.
dr._cantrell
But Tracy has all my books.
spidey
Dr. Cantrell, good evening. Do you have books that would be good for parents to read? Maybe explaining what our Marines are experiencing?
llaureen
Ehen you order stuff on marineparents you help support the website.
dr._cantrell
My books are written as much for the family members as they are for the troops. They will give you an insight into the adjustment issues and the challenges that are so commonly experienced from all perspectives.
kat7007
My son recently returned from Afghanistan.
ally
Hi dr. cantrell, I have a question.
dr._cantrell
Yes, this is why I say the MarineParents.com has all my books.
spidey
I am a bit concerned about my son, he only had 16 weeks between deployments.
dr._cantrell
How is your son doing Kat7007a nd how long has he been home?
Joan
This is the link to the corporate store for ordering Dr. Cantrell's books: https://marineparentsinc.com/store.asp .
dr._cantrell
This 16 week deployment is a very fast turn around and my new book is all about the effects of multiple deployments.
kat7007
A firecracker spooked him, he's only been home since early this month.
spidey
Thank you I am concerned about multiple deployments, and the quick turn around.
dr._cantrell
The firecracker situation is so common, and we must all remember that 4th of July is coming up, so it is best to limit exposure to these events when they are fresh home.
dr._cantrell
Yes, I understand these factors certainly can cause some concern.
kat7007
I was hoping he would just hang around home with us, but he's 25 and they are on their after deployment leave--hopefully they will all make it through the 4th
Texasdad_Mom
I thought they were supposed to have at least 6 mos. between deployments. Not true?
Joan
There can always be exceptions.
dr._cantrell
They will make it through and they know where they feel comfortable and if it is with their fellow Marines, this must be supported.
dr._cantrell
Yes, depending on their training.
ally
My question may not bereally about ptsd, but it is a concern that I have.
ally
My son is on his 2nd deployment
kat7007
Thank you for confirming that---it what i was gathering---he seems to talk very little about the deployment and if I ask something--he shuts down.
ally
Lately he has been telling us of plans that he has when he returns.
dr._cantrell
Let me address one question at time please.
kat7007
Sorry!
ally
Sorry.
dr._cantrell
This is good that he is telling you of his plans, this means that he has hope and dreams of his time at home. Whatever those dreams are hopefully you can support him in making them come tru.
ally
They include buying a house, and starting college.
ally
He will be getting out next year.
dr._cantrell
Yes, on the other question, this is very common, please read back on this chat and you will see that it is best not to ask questions because they will often time feel like you are prying too much and they may not want to talk, or want to protect you from knowing too much.
dr._cantrell
These dreams are WONDERFUL. Starting school is a very i8nteresting event in that sometimes it adds some stress they are not expecting.
kat7007
Yes, I try not to ask,but if he starts to talk--i find i can't help myself---i guess i need more restraint--but you confirmed what i was also guessing from him---he wants to handle it with his fellow marines, their way.
dr._cantrell
If he talks this is great, but remember why we have two ears and one mouth. We are to listen more than speak. I love this saying. He must feel very close to you or he would not even begin to converse about his experiences. Just listen, sit on your hands and don't ask a question. What an honor to be a witness to his life.
kat7007
Thank you---and i will try hard to bite my tongue.
dr._cantrell
I know it is very difficult, but he knows you are there for him.
dr._cantrell
Ally what about your son, it sounds like he is excited about his life after he gets out of the Marines too.
ally
I guess my question is, these plans have come up since he left this time, is this common for them to make these types of plans while they are deployed, and should i just go along with them for now.
ally
I of course do not want to make him feel like i do not support him, i so want hom to go to school.
dr._cantrell
Absolutely you should go along with his plans, eventhough they may not go along with what you had anticipated.
ally
But not real sure he can handle a house and school and all the other stresses he will be facing
dr._cantrell
They change when they are deployed and they have an opportunity to grow up very fast, and they see life from a different set of lenses than they did before they deployed. He is telling you what is important to him. He wants to launch himself into a new life and this is very good.
dr._cantrell
He is the ONLY one who knows if he will be able to handle it or not. If he takes it slow and plans ahead this is all good. They are used to structure and going to school is also structured and this is a very helpful stepping stone to getting back out there in the civilian world.
Texasdad_Mom
I worry that since they are growing up so fast because they have to, do they miss some of the stages that they would typically go through in maturing? This is something I've wondered about.
dr._cantrell
Yes, there are stages they sort of skip over. If you read about the Eriksons Stages of development, at the time they go into boot camp they are suppose to be trying out relationships and preparing for adulthood, but going into the military requires that they grow up very fast.
ally
My son has also developed a craving for all of the scary ventures such as mountain climbing, bae jumping, skydiving etc.... all of this since being deployed this time.
ally
I have heard of this before from other parents, justwondering if this is normal.
dr._cantrell
Yes, they look for the adrendaline rush, this is normal, life is boring and mundane when they come home. It makes them feel alive, and since they have survived thus far, they feel omnipotent.
ally
We saw a little of this last time, as far a being a speeddemon, but now he is adding height to his speed.
dr._cantrell
Going back to the stages they miss of building relationships in which they are to practice their social skills, it can make it more challenging to have relationships with people from the outside.
dr._cantrell
What does adding height to his speed mean?
ally
I just meant instead of just driving fast, he is also adding more of a fear factor.
ally
Into the sky
dr._cantrell
So he is building up to needing more adrenaline.
ally
Yes
Texasdad_Mom
We noticed our son must have skipped some of those stages. He could take apart and put his gun together with his eyes closed, but when it came to relationships and finances, he made some very immature decisions.
dr._cantrell
Maybe it is time to call in one of his buds to help pull him back a little bit especially is you see he is really pushing the envelope and being unsafe.
dr._cantrell
Yes, they are able to do those things with their eyes closed, but these more life skills can certainly overwhelm them. Sometimes they may even question why they need to take care of finances etc. when they know how to be such a good Marine.
Texasdad_Mom
Ally, I can relate--our son was a firefighter before he joined the Marines. I dread to think what he'll want to do when he gets out.
dr._cantrell
I know this is strange for those on the outside to see life from their point but this may be one way of looking at it.
dr._cantrell
Many of our Warriors go into fields of work in which they can use their training. When they go through their Marine duties they are most likely emotionally equipped to handles some intense situations.
dr._cantrell
So going into law enforcement, fire fighting, para medic, security work are very likely positions they may seek.
ally
Thank you dr. cantrell for your help. It is always great to have you here. have a great night all.
dr._cantrell
You are most welcome, thank you for your questions, and my best to you and your son!
ally
Thank you.
llaureen
That is the way my son has always been..doesn't like to deal with the details of everyday life.
carmen5
My son just came home for afghanistan.
dr._cantrell
Sometimes it is overwhelming for them too.
dr._cantrell
How is your son doing?
carmen5
Actually, he has not said anything about what happened. But hasn't been home much so it is hard to tell.
dr._cantrell
It is best to leave him be at this point, but also keep your eyes open.
llaureen
Yes, he gets easily overwhelmed with somethings. It has gotten more intense since the Corps. But I also see a lot of growth.
kat7007
Yes, Carmen.
carmen5
So it is normal for them not to want to talk about their deployment?
kat7007
I think...
dr._cantrell
Yes, it is very important to understand the issues they go thru.
dr._cantrell
Yes, it is very normal, please read earlier in this chat. If you ask questions they make go back in their shell.
kat7007
I can only go back in this chat as far as when i came in.
carmen5
Same here.
dr._cantrell
It is to be expected for them not to talk, and they are usually very selective with whom they share their experiences
dr._cantrell
Oh I see. They find it difficult to talk about their experiences, and they are think that you wouldn't understand because you weren't there. They often will not want to talk about things in order to protect your innocense and not give you reason to worry.
carmen5
My son, Jose is the marine that just came back..i have another son, Andres. He is going to iraq in a few months. jose didn't not want to share any experiences with his brother eiter.
carmen5
Either.
dr._cantrell
I can understand that he doesn't want to share. He knows best. He does not want his brother to be fearful of this situation. Each of their experiences is unique.
carmen5
Andres is a medic with the Army..so i am sure it will be different.
dr._cantrell
Medics have some unique challenges. They are very special people and have tender hearts. They have to harden up in order to be the best at what they do. They often think of all the ones they could not save and are haunted by this, when in fact they are so revered by their comrades for being there in so many instances.
Texasdad_Mom
If our sons do choose to share, do you discuss in your book how is best for us to react to what they share? I'm sure some of it would be extremely graphic.
dr._cantrell
One rule of thumb, do not cast judgment or show shock, or fall apart, leave this for behind closed doors. Just love them and let them talk, however if you feel that you are not able to tolerate what they are saying and it is too for you emotionally please let them know that you are able to hear these details. Setting boundaries is healthy. You can also be traumatized by some of the information.
dr._cantrell
OOPS You are NOT able to hear these details. Set boundaries.
dr._cantrell
If you feel it is too much, you can ask them to leave out the details, or find another person who can listen to them. A veteran friend is a great resource and support in these situations, they have been there and done that!
carmen5
Jose is a bit more distant in his emotions with the family.
carmen5
Almost as if what is routine is not important enough for him or us to care so much about..if you understand what I mean.
dr._cantrell
They will come home and it can be very difficult for them to relate to their family members, and their friends they left on the homefront. This is part of their struggle of "coming home". Home is where their heart is, and their military family is a very intimate relationship and one that truly understands them.
carmen5
Actually, jose said he was ready to back to base..and he arrived home friday.
carmen5
Ready to go back to base..
dr._cantrell
What is important to you may seem trivial and out of his realm of concern. We must do our best to understand their assumptions about life and what is important is different than what we can imagine.
dr._cantrell
Yes, ready to go back to base, is where life is simple, there are not all the expectations from loved ones, and he is with those who understand him without question.
dr._cantrell
This is good self care, let him be, and support his decision. He may need to slowly transition back to civilians
dr._cantrell
Mom's have all sorts of advise, but upon homecoming do your best to refrain for over mothering him. You will just push him away. He is a man and a Marine, and he is quite capable and he may be a little rough around the edges, so just allow him the time to transition back into his family at his own pace
kathyintassie
He's a fun loving guy and tries to push the limits with me now - is it going to be worse when he gets home?
dr._cantrell
More than likely he will present you some challenges. Just go with the flow, have a support system in place for yourself and don't impose your feelings upon him. He does not need to be pushed by those on the homefront.
kathyintassie
Thank you - that makes sense - thank goodness for marineparents.
dr._cantrell
They sometimes party with their budds, stay out late, and certainly have a new set of guidelines to live by.
kathyintassie
I've never seen someone drink so much - we live close to Camp Pendleton so he came home every other weekend before deployment -I didn't worry too much because he went back on Sunday night - after he gets home he will leave the Marines in November - and I'm worried about the drinking.
carmen5
Yes.. me too.
dr._cantrell
The drinking can be an issue, and I would certainly keep an eye on this, but he may also calm down a bit when he leaves the Marines.
carmen5
Mine has 2 yrs to go yet..
Texasdad_Mom
Thank you so very much--you've been so helpful. Good night to you all.
kathyintassie
Is it helpful for me to suggest he get into therapy if he is having a hard time adjusting? How long to wait before seeking professional help?
carmen5
Good nite texasdad_and mom.
dr._cantrell
Yes, it is helpful, but sometimes they don't like to hear that from their parents, and it is very difficult for them to admit they need help. Have one of their budds suggest this if you are truly worried, but give it some time.
dr._cantrell
Good night to you all. I will look forward to seeing you next month!
carmen5
When next month?
Joan
Good night, Dr. Cantrell.
dr._cantrell
We have yet to set up the date, it will come out in the newsletter and on the website.
dr._cantrell
Thank you so very much.
