The following is a transcript of the "Chat with Dr. Cantrell" from September 23, 2009. Links to additional resources and information from the chat transcript are included to the right.
mickie
What is your question for Dr. Cantrell?
Navajo35
Michal's grandfather died 7 days after he deployed and he was the only father Michael ever had and I am worried about his reaction on coming home to be faced with this situation. He had a difficult time dealing with the death and was not allowed to come home.
Navajo35
For the funeral.
dr._Cantrell
Yes, this can be an issue, but it sounds like it was not kept from him. Many do not get to return to honor their loved ones who pass, so this is something that he will hear from his fellow Marines.
dr._Cantrell
It would be best to let him deal with this at his own pace. do you have family rituals around death? This would be a very important component to his healing
Navajo35
The unfortunte part is at this same time another Marine was allowed to come home to attend his sister's funeral which made it more difficult for him to accept his situation.
dr._Cantrell
I know that they take these cases one at a time, and perhaps since this was his sister they allowed it, I do not know the policy on this.
dr._Cantrell
Did he know that his grandfather was failing?
Navajo35
We of course had the Traditional Catholic Funeral Mass and Burial. When he is home he and I will go to Illinois to the grave site so he can say his good byes.
mickie
To[Private] postal Welcome, please hold your question until navajo finishes.
dr._Cantrell
This will be very important, but please be careful to do this at HIS pace, because what we think is best, is not what they have in their agenda.
Navajo35
His grandfather was failing but we never thought he was near death. He was functioning well until the night he died. He was listed as michael's next of kin
dr._Cantrell
Did Michael have a chance to talk to him while he was down range?
Navajo35
He is the one who told me he wanted to go and he told me again today in an IM.
Navajo35
I don't think they talked after michael left but michael called and they exchanged messages through me.
dr._Cantrell
Wonderful so this will be a very good way for him to put closure to time. I am very sorry for your loss. This is great that they were able to remain connected through the deployment. It certainly sounds like they had a very strong bond, and his Grandfather will always remain in his heart, as his grandfather also carrys Michael with him.
Navajo35
I know that and Michael and I had a long talk about that doing im this morning.
dr._Cantrell
This is a good sign that Michael has decided this is what he wants to do. Any kind of death quickly reminds them of their buddies they have lost, so you might see him pull away, be more touchy about things, etc. Just keep an eye open and have some support for him through his fellow Marines, or another veteran whom he trusts.
Navajo35
I will do that. His recuriter is still in town and they are very close - he was michael's proxy at his niece's baptism cuz michael couldn't get home so he is close to our family as well.
dr._Cantrell
This is perfect, so you might want to let him know ahead of time that you are planning on taking Michael to see his Grandfather's grave and have him be attentive to Michael having some time alone with him to chat and debrief.
Navajo35
I will do that - thanks for he good idea. We are also planning a trip to Disneyland that he very much wants to take which will get him away from the house and still with the family.
Navajo35
We have an unusual extended family here. Michael and his sister were raised by his grandfather, his aunt and me (his grandmother) his sister now has a baby and we all still live together.
dr._Cantrell
Disneyland this will be fun. Please let him know if he needs a break from all the hub bub, that you will support that. He may not be so hot about being around a ton of people who are non military, so if he knows that its good self care to monitor his situation, and to take a break if need be, this would be great.
Navajo35
He will rule the trip - that has been decided already.
dr._Cantrell
This is wonderful that there is so much family support around him. The baby crying could also be a trigger, so just reassure him that you are available to him and that there are certain situations in his environment that you will work with him on, if they cause his concern.
Navajo35
Thanks for the advice I will certainly tell him that.
dr._Cantrell
It sure sounds like you have this all dialed in and have done your homework. Great and it sure sounds like you have some exciting times to share as a family.
dr._Cantrell
You are most welcome, and please give Michael my best.
proudctmom
Have you all seen your Marine yet.
Navajo35
I hope so I am really nervous.
proudctmom
I did not go to hc.
dr._Cantrell
Just be yourself and stand strong and don't you be hesitant of reaching out for help from others too.
proudctmom
My son is coming home next week.
dr._Cantrell
How exciting that your son is returning, how are you doing?
proudctmom
Yes, my son does not want to talk about the sandbox How should I handle it.
proudctmom
I am very anxious to see him. It has been a long time.
dr._Cantrell
LEAVE it Be!!! Do not ask him questions, just let him ease into this transition at his pace.
proudctmom
I will do that. Thanks. The problem is the family.
proudctmom
Last time my son returned from the sand, he had a hard time sleeping.
dr._Cantrell
Well you might need to run interference, and put out an APB that they are to let your son talk about what he feels comfortable talking about. If not, it may push him away and spark his anger.
proudctmom
Ok, Thanks for the good advice.
dr._Cantrell
The sleep disturbances are most common. They need time to just ease into their patterns.
proudctmom
That is what I thought. I'm not sure when (if) I should be concerned.
dr._Cantrell
Now before he gets home. Don't wait until all chaos breaks lose.
proudctmom
I will talk to them before he gets home. Thank you
dr._Cantrell
They find it difficult to rest, they are pumped up on adrenaline and they are used to responding instantaneously to situations down range.
proudctmom
I am sure it is going to be a difficult adjustment again. I just let him talk and don't ask questions.
dr._Cantrell
I suggest that you let him sleep wherever, and whenever. They are exhausted and need to feel it is ok to get rest wherever possible.
dr._Cantrell
This is perfect to just be a great listener.
proudctmom
That is what I did last time. I ran interference from the family who just could not understand why he was so tired.
dr._Cantrell
Then your family is perfectly aware of the drill, and if they cannot honor your requests perhaps they should just stay away so you have your time with your son without the Q's & A's.
proudctmom
My father is a Marine; Iwo Jima survivor and he thinks my son should be back on a regular schedule!
proudctmom
Thank you very much. I will sit down with them and tell them they have to play by my rules.
mickie
Good for you mom!
dr._Cantrell
This generation had time to transition. Many of them came back home of ships and had time to process, but this is not the situation with our current troops.
dr._Cantrell
Remember we are all different and we have cultural, generational differences in all of these issues. No two people are the same, and just accept your son as he is and not let others impose their own agenda upon him
postal
How long do you think parents should stay at homecoming at the base?
proudctmom
I will be strong for my son!
mickie
That's a great question postal because some don't want family at homecoming.
proudctmom
Thank you very much, Dr. Cantrell.
dr._Cantrell
Yes, I know you will be strong. These are the comments from others who hurt them deeply.
proudctmom
Mine did not want me at homecoming boo hoo.
postal
Oh no.
dr._Cantrell
Yes, this is very true some do not want their family at homecoming, but you need to determine this ahead of time.
proudctmom
I think he was trying to save me money from traveling from the East Coast.
postal
I will be driving his vehicle. He really wants to see that.
dr._Cantrell
Sometimes it is just that they just need time to themselves. but thoroughly check this out ahead of time.
dr._Cantrell
They are all different and have different needs.
postal
We have been talking about it since he left.
proudctmom
My cousin lives 3+ hrs from base so she picked him up. It was kind of a nice transition for him to stay w/his West coast "Parents"
dr._Cantrell
That is wonderful that you have some must support.
proudctmom
They are the best! I knew there was a reason they moved out there.
dr._Cantrell
This allowed him time to just take his time and to prepare to be ready to see you.
proudctmom
Yes, and they don't ask questions. They just listen and he feels very much at home there. We are very fortunate.
dr._Cantrell
Yes, you are all very fortunate.
mickie
Dr. Cantrell, one of the most thought provoking topics of your sessions is the warrior transitioning, in my opinion
mickie
Would you talk about that?
proudctmom
I would like to hear about warrior transitioning
dr._Cantrell
Sure, there are so many aspects to this time of Transition. They all have different needs as well. It is so important that the families do their homework and know the level of tolerance for their Marine.
dr._Cantrell
Please ask me questions and we can discuss this.
mickie
So important
postal
Is this topic in you book Downrange???
dr._Cantrell
Sure there are several things in all my books about these issues. They all address different aspects.
postal
Oh good I just ordered it.
proudctmom
I will have to order it
mickie
How the returning vets are expected to just turn off and turn on to well meaning parties and such is an area that I particularly found helpful
dr._Cantrell
Thank you. Is there a specific area of concern
postal
I'm afraid that anything I say or do is going to be wrong when he returns.
proudctmom
Friends and family want to see my son but he does not want to be fussed over. How do I handle this? I need to protect my son but know I will hurt their feelings
mickie
Please let dr address your questions one at a time
dr._Cantrell
Yes, the expectations of the warriors and of the loved ones sometimes do not match, and this can be an issue. For Example, those on the homefront may think that as soon as they get home they are going to be so happy to be home and all will be well. But many times it doesn't work like this
dr._Cantrell
You must take your son's needs as priority!!! You let the family members that it is up to your son to set his schedule, he will decide when and if he will visit family members. Don't force the issue, this just pushes them away
proudctmom
Ok, I will do that.
dr._Cantrell
Let your son decide what is okay with him. Many times I think if people want to see a returning warrior it is best to have a function at another person's home, and this way he/she can leave at anytime without hiding in their own home. This works out well.
proudctmom
If my son wants to see friends & family, we will have it at my sister's
postal
I'm planning a fairly big homecoming at the VFW
dr._Cantrell
Feelings can be hurt, but this is where the expectations get in the way. This will be great to have the function at the sisters home, and it is good self care to know when he/she has had enough. Even using a code word to let you know he need to leave is very helpful.
postal
It will be 3 or 4 weeks after his homecoming at the base
proudctmom
Dr. are the Marines checked for PTSD upon their return?
dr._Cantrell
Postal does he want a big homecoming? Many do not want such events. They feel put on the spot and there is too much stimulation.
dr._Cantrell
Be sure this is what your Marine wants. Remember this is about them and what is the most helpful. Most do not want the attention.
mickie
Ctmom that's a great question, please hold for an answer while dr talks with postal about a homecoming party
proudctmom
Ok, thanks
mickie
Dr. Cantrell, postal's son has experience the loss of 6 marines
dr._Cantrell
They are supposed to check them out for PTSD, Depression etc. but the issue here is that they know how to fill out the questionaires, and they just want to get home.
postal
Hey i'll be right back
postal
I have company thanks for the help
dr._Cantrell
WOW, this is a great deal of loss. This may not go as you anticipate. Let him dictate this decision
mickie
Well, she had to leave. Too bad. Hope she reads the transcript.
proudctmom
My cousin kept a good eye on him while he stayed w/them. I will do the same. Should I be concerned if he drinks more than usual?
dr._Cantrell
Perhaps some of you can follow up with her, this is a big deal and could go south if not carefully handled
mickie
I wish there was a way to identify her. Maybe I can do that through her book order.
dr._Cantrell
Drinking unfortunately is something that they do and it is part of the military culture in some respects. If he is drinking first thing after he wakes up, and it is getting more serious then there could be an issue.
dr._Cantrell
Keep your eyes open on this one.
proudctmom
He was not much of a drinker. Last time post deploy, he asked for beer and hardly drank it.
dr._Cantrell
This is good sign, and sometimes it is just a social thing, but other times it is a form of self medication to get sleep, to forget, and to deal with social issues.
proudctmom
My friend's son started drinking heavily after he came back. After a few wks he realized he was self medicating and stopped
dr._Cantrell
Great for him, and sometimes this is what it takes, just the realization that this is in fact what it is. This is wonderful!
proudctmom
I don't think my son has a problem but I will keep a good eye out for him.
dr._Cantrell
Many come home and start drinking and it can be a passing behavior.
mickie
Dr. One of the concerns that many of our members express is the stigma of asking for post combat stress help. What is the Marine Corps doing to dispel this stigma?
dr._Cantrell
The stigmas are a challenge and they are deeply embedded in the military culture. At a stress conference where I presented the Marines were coming up with some very good ways of conceptualizing PTSD or Combat Stress. The
dr._Cantrell
It is very important that we offer creative ways for them to get help and have people to speak with who can support them and normalize what they are experiencing.
mickie
I know it's especially true in the Marine Corps that feelings are compartmentalized.
dr._Cantrell
Compartimentalizing is a form of coping, and it is very important that they know how to do this in order to get through their combat duties.
proudctmom
Dr., I feel very strongly that counseling should be mandatory all post-deployment It would minimize the stigma associated with admitting one needs help.
mickie
I have heard that, probably from you!
dr._Cantrell
This is their way of pushing away their emotions, otherwise they would be paralyzed with feelings that would prevent them from being fully present.
proudctmom
I cannot imagine what they experienced there.
mickie
So, from your conference did you see a plan from the Marine Corps to come up with creative and supportive ways for our returning vets?
mickie
And where does the VA figure in all this, post active duty? I keep hearing how antiquated their programs are.
proudctmom
My friend has had bad experiences w/the VA.
dr._Cantrell
I did see a plan and it also incorporated family members because they also go through the stress symptoms, but I would think that it varies from place to place.
mickie
Do you know of anything regarding this plan that has been made public on any Marine Corps web site?
proudctmom
Here in Connecticut, we can go for free counseling. I heard it was very good.
dr._Cantrell
As far as the VA I know that they are implementing new programs to meet a more diverse needs. This all varies as well.
proudctmom
The VA was not ready for this.
mickie
I imagine it's a long, slow process unfortunately.
mickie
No, they were not.
dr._Cantrell
I don't know if it has been made public and I do not know how widely used it is.
mickie
Thank you.
dr._Cantrell
The VA as well as Vet Centers are over whelmed and they are hiring new providers
dr._Cantrell
The needs are tremendous, this is why we all must be prepared and help others understand how to help.
mickie
Being as informed as we can, as families, is so very important. Such a scary deal for us though but as stated...what is it like for them?
proudctmom
Dr. Cantrell and Mickie, Thank you for all your help. I have learned a lot and will take your advice. I appreciate your help. Thank you. I am fading fast (East coast time...). Goodnight.
dr._Cantrell
Goodnight, hope to see you next month.
mickie
I would be too! Best to you and your Marine.
proudctmom
Thank you. I will be back next month and will let you know how things went with my Marine. Nite.
dr._Cantrell
It is scary and confusing.
mickie
Navajo, do you have anything else for Dr. Cantrell?
dr._Cantrell
Best to you !
Navajo35
No i just want to say thank you for her time and great ideas.
dr._Cantrell
You are most welcome.
Navajo35
How do I get a transcript of this session?
mickie
We will publish on our web site
mickie
http://www.combatrecovery.com/connections/cantrell.asp .
mickie
Copy that link for your reference
mickie
Previous transcripts are on there as well
dr._Cantrell
Mickie I can just stay open here, in case someone else comes along.
mickie
I wondered what you do. lol
mickie
Navajo, thanks for being here! My best to you and your Marine.
dr._Cantrell
Well usually this is not an issue there are people still here.
Navajo35
I am most grateful for being advised about this site and tonight's talk. I am sure with your input to everyone tonight it will make Michael's homecoming more pleasant.
dr._Cantrell
When does Michael get home?
Navajo35
He is due to be home in early December and I am most impatient for his arrival as he is the baby of the family - 6 kids and the 2 grandkids I raised.
dr._Cantrell
This is very exciting. A great time of year also. When was he deployed?
Navajo35
May 7th
dr._Cantrell
Be sure and have all his favorites in the refer!!
dr._Cantrell
Is this his first deployment?
Navajo35
Oh yes that will be done. But we have to be careful he has a weight control problem. He lost 50 pounds just to enlist and then it crept up 20 lbs again after boot camp and he is happy he took it off over there.
Navajo35
Yes it was his first deployment
dr._Cantrell
I see how you need to be careful. They are strict about this.
Navajo35
Yes, the are he was penalized twice for it before his deployment
dr._Cantrell
So you might notice that he is a little more serious and more reserved.
Navajo35
I imagine I will. He has always been quiet and not a real conversationalist. But he has two buddies over there that he has never had before as he has difficulty making friends and these two Marines have similar interests and will be back at the same place is will be at when they return.
dr._Cantrell
Will they all be in the same location when they return?
Navajo35
Yes they will
dr._Cantrell
Hopefully you have arrange for all of them to get together.
Navajo35
I think that will be a good thing.
dr._Cantrell
Absolutely this is perfect. They can all become your Marine Sons!!!
Navajo35
No, I have not. I don't know where the others live. But I will know by the end of the week belive me I will. I hope so - I like a full house.
dr._Cantrell
This can be a great support for all of them, knowing that they have a safe place to land
Navajo35
I hope so. I always had all my kids friends at our house and I have missed that with michael because he never made many friends in high school.
Navajo35
But that is a whole nother story as they say.
dr._Cantrell
Now he has made friends for life with his Marine brothers and sisters
Navajo35
I know and I am so greatful - you have no idea.
dr._Cantrell
Yes, it sure makes life more full and meaningful
Navajo35
Yes, it does.
dr._Cantrell
Social support is such an important component to a positive homecoming experience. I found this out through my disseration research as well as hearing this over and over again from the warriors I have worked with.
Navajo35
What do you suggest we do to make the homecoming positive and meaningful? I know what you have said this evening is there anything else you can add this.
dr._Cantrell
Talk about it with Michael and find out how he anticipates it to be. Have an understanding with loved ones and friends that they must follow your lead and you will made certain that Michael's wishes are adheared to. Leave his room alone and don't move his belongings. Give him his privacy and let him rest as much as possible. Don't have a ton of people to see, events to attend, just let him take it easy and drive the bus so to speak.
Navajo35
Okay I can do all that. I will discuss this with him before he even gets home and plan accordingly.
dr._Cantrell
Some families want to look at photos of the past and this can also be painful for your Marine, as they know they have changed, and have lost their innosence.
dr._Cantrell
Sometimes when people have these big welcome home parties, they can prove to be quite a disaster. I have heard thousands of times, "this is the last thing I wanted, I did not want a lot of people around me."
Navajo35
That never occured to me. Every letter he asks for pictures from home and we put some in each set of boxes we send him. But when he gets home we will not look back we will look forward to what is best for him.
Navajo35
I will rethink the welcome home party. We wanted it to ease his transition of coming into his home without his grandfather being her.
dr._Cantrell
Michael may want to look at pictures, let him decide. This is not set in stone, this is just one of the things I hear that can make them sad for what was.
dr._Cantrell
Just ask him what he wants, it can be lovely, but talk about it.
Navajo35
We have a wall full of picturs of he, his sister, his aunts and uncles and cousins so he will see those every day.
Navajo35
Even his parents who deserted him early in life.
mickie
To[Private] mugmdm http://www.combatrecovery.com/connections/cantrell.asp .
dr._Cantrell
This is great, and it is familiar for him, this is a very strong reminder of all those who mean so much to him.
dr._Cantrell
You are his parent now and you are the ones he calls family. How lucky he is!
Navajo35
We hope so we love him so much.
Navajo35
He calls me Mom a great deal of the time and his aunt too. He says he has two mothers and a female dna donor.
dr._Cantrell
He knows who loves him and this will sustain him!
dr._Cantrell
Welcome Sewshell.
Navajo35
I hope so . I pray for him constantly.
dr._Cantrell
I will also keep him in my prayers.
mickie
Dr. mugmdm has joined us, his son is with 2/3 and will be returning soon.
Navajo35
Thank you so much - that means a lot.
mugmdm
Dr. Cantrell, thank you for all you do for our heroe's. I'm not sure what to ask, so here goes. What is the one thing that most people are caught off guard with in regard to PSTD? I know every person is unique, but what are the danger signs? I haven't even given much thought to how he will transition and I should. Thank you.
mugmdm
Sorry..probably big question, with only a few minutes left.
dr._Cantrell
I will answer as quickly as possible. Please read all three of my books this will give you a lot of information, sign sx, and behaviors to watch out for. They are for sale on this website.
dr._Cantrell
Look for excess drinking, isolation, emotional shut down. bouts of rage. These are the most troublesome behaviors.
mickie
To[Private] mugmdm http://www.combatrecovery.com/connections/cantrell.asp .
mickie
To[Private] mugmdm http://www.marineparents.com/USMC/books-iraq.asp .
dr._Cantrell
Also they come home with sleep disruption, and anger is certainly something that keeps them going in the war zone, so they may get easily triggered by things that happen even at home. Babies crying, loud noises, people having escalating conversations etc. can certainly send them over the edge.
dr._Cantrell
There are so many things, and of course we also have to consider the possiblity of Traumatic Brain Injuries, and how this affects their ability to connect with people, recall events and dates etc. This can certainly make them extremely frustrated. On both accounts since TBI, PSTD, Depression etc are the invisible wounds of war, many people will think all is well, because they look fine, but we must be very aware of what comes home with them, and how we respond.
mugmdm
Thank you Dr. Yes...I have heard of TBI and the long term effects.
mugmdm
He's planning a big trip, about a month after he returns with alot of the Marines he's spent time with
dr._Cantrell
Plan ahead with your Marine about what they expect. Do they want to be left alone, or have a party etc. Let them set the tone. This trip sounds wonderful, and a healing opportunity
mugmdm
I know we need to close now, I will get your books Dr. and join in on the next chat. Thank you and God bless.
dr._Cantrell
Thank you so much and take good care of yourself and your Marine!!
mugmdm
Yes..God bless and protect them all..
dr._Cantrell
Yes indeed!!
Navajo35
I certainly concur witht that
dr._Cantrell
Good Night
mickie
Thank you Dr. Cantrell
mickie
Always a pleasure to have you with us!
dr._Cantrell
You are most welcome
dr._Cantrell
See you next month!!
